My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Witness » Tue Mar 24, 2015 12:07 am

Bruce wrote:I address Mrs. Bruce as The Matriarch. Suits her well. :D
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by sparks » Tue Mar 24, 2015 9:01 pm

Mother Theresa before she got religion.
You can lead them to knowledge, but you can't make them think.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Sun Apr 19, 2015 4:31 am

It was a long, long day. I went into work early to get shit done, more shit happened, and I got home late. Awake for 14 hours and I skipped lunch. By the time I walked through my front door, I was exhausted and starving.

Bout time you got home! My tire pressure light has been on. I need to you go pump up my tires real quick.

I'm exhausted, the sun is going down, and I'm starving.

Stop being such a big baby. The gas station's just down the road. It will only take you five minutes.

:x :x Hate when she says that!! :x :x

So I'm pumping up the last tire and I hear a hissing noise. Must be a nail somewhere. I pull out the air pump nozzle and POW! The nozzle on the tire breaks right the hell off. Air is blasting out of the tire. In a cartoon-like state of panic and denial, I try to screw the nozzle back on. What the fuck am I doing? It's metal failure. Totally busted. This is a goddamned new tire as of a few months ago. As I'm working myself into a state of exhausted rage, the tire bleeds out. In less than 30 seconds, it's totally flat. I'm stranded, the sun is going down, I'm pissed, tired, starving........FUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!!

I call me beloved.

Well, you're just going to have to put on the spare. I'm busy.

Fucking Hyundai makes the tiniest and cutest little useless jacks and tire irons in the world. Pathetic.

Two good parts to this story. First, next to an air compressor is the best place to replace a flat tire with a spare, because the spare was at 20psi. Anywhere else and I would have been extra fucked. Second, a mysterious angel with an Ohio accent appeared out of nowhere with a real hydraulic jack and tire iron in his trunk and asked if I needed a hand. He did half the work and didn't leave until the job was done. This has never happened to me in Rhode Island. I asked where he lived and he said not far from here. He didn't even need gas or anything. He said he just hated to see people using those pissant korean jacks, then got in his car and drove off. No one in Rhode Island has ever helped me before. In fact, I thought he was going to yell at me to move my car so he could use the air compressor when he drove up. I wonder if it was all a deluded fantasy from my state of exhaustion. Must have been. There's no such thing as a helping hand in a time of need in Rhode Island. Anyhooo, enough of the warm and fuzzies. Back to my ranting tale of attempted murder.

You're home sooner than I expected. Ah, yes, my dear. And very much alive as you can see.

I explain what happened and she says, oh, that explains things.

......what do you mean that explains things??

I've been filling up that tire every couple of days for the past week. The nozzle must have had a crack in it. I figured something was wrong with it.

..........wait a minute....... :x :x :x :x

So you sent me out on a winding road, in the dark, exhausted, and starving, in a vehicle that you knew that dangerously defective? And I ask you, members of the jury, where is your reasonable doubt now?!? Do you really think this woman should go free to marry again!!??

Stop being a big baby drama queen and eat your dinner. It's starting to go stale.

:cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing: :cussing:

She tells me the good news the following day. She got a new tire for free from the good folks at Rhode Island Tire Pros. Turns out that these nozzles are a new design made of aluminum and a lot of them have been failing lately. Yeah, great news. She's been fitted with another free death trap tire. What a bargain! :bang_head:
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by sparks » Sun Apr 19, 2015 5:43 am

Awesome Bruce. Thanks!
You can lead them to knowledge, but you can't make them think.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Sun Apr 19, 2015 7:00 am

Most of you, including the good Sparks, are aware of the caliper of creature that I deal with on a day to day basis, but for anyone who happens to be tuning in a little late, let me give you a brief background.

About 5 years ago, Mrs. Bruce called me at work, saying that she had woken up dizzy and fell down and hit her head. She refused to call 911, so I raced home and checked her into the hospital. They found signs of bleeding in her brain and transferred her to Providence hospital. Later we learned that she had a rare genetic disorder called Moya-Moya, but at the time, I had no idea what was happening. I waited by the phone, scared as shit. The kids were both too young at the time to really understand the seriousness of what was happening. Finally, I get a call from Mrs. Bruce. She was crying.

Mrs. Bruce never cries.

She said I had to bring the kids to see her immediately, and she would explain what was happening when we got there.

Ice cold chills running up and down my spine. From the tone in her voice, it sounded like she didn't expect to live much longer. On the way to the hospital, I wondered what exact thoughts were going through her head that brought her to tears? I've seen this woman handle pain without so much as a flinch that would cause me to black out. Was she crying because she was facing her own mortality? Was she crying at the thought of her children growing up without a mother? Was she scared that whatever was happening might cause permanent brain damage? Or, as unlikely as it might seem, was she crying because she was sorry for all the shit she's put me through?

When at last we arrived at the hospital, she was all smiles for the kids. She kissed them and told them she was fine but would be staying in the hospital for a few days just in case. What about me?

What about you?

Don't I get a kiss?

Gugh. Don't be a big baby.

:x :x :x [composure, Bruce, she is in a hospital bed after all]

You were crying. I've known you for 11 years and I've never seen you cry. Why were you crying?

Huh? Oh, that. I think it's mostly the drugs they gave me. I was thinking that whatever is happening could result in me never being able to work again.

.......!?!!?!?..........and? What, that's it? From your tone, I thought you were dying.

What? No. They don't even know what happened to me yet, and being told I'm dying wouldn't make me cry. I've made my peace with God a long time ago. No, I was crying at the thought of being stuck at home sitting around all day and not being able to work.

That's it!?!? You wouldn't shed a tear at the thought of leaving me alone to raise our children by myself?

Nah. You're a big baby, but you can handle the kids on your own. Besides, Brucetta would keep you and The Boy in line.

:x :x :x Then why did you say that I needed to bring the kids to see you immediately? :x :x :x

Because the hospital's visitation hours are ending soon, silly. Now take the kids home and stop being such a drama queen.

:Scratch4:
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Witness » Mon Apr 20, 2015 1:12 am

You're doomed. :cry:

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But please write it all up before your demise.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by asthmatic camel » Mon Apr 20, 2015 2:00 am

What the fuck is wrong with Asian people?

Mrs. Camel called a Chinese plumber, a friend of her brother's to fix a busted pipe.

I've never encountered such an agitated, stressed out person in my entire life.

I lent him a Stilson wrench with some trepidation and was extremely pleased when he buggered off.

Guy was half my size but he frightened the fuck out of me!
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Mon Apr 20, 2015 3:06 am

asthmatic camel wrote:What the fuck is wrong with Asian people?
I suspect the Dynasty way of life is still runs through Asian blood. Competition and social status are very high on the priority list, and the competition is vicious, especially within the family structure. Appearances and perceptions are everything, and what is behind those are pretty much irrelevant. And for reasons I'll never understand, there is an unhealthy obsession between mothers and first born sons.

This show is pretty god damned accurate so far, but if you're not familiar with first generation Asians adapting to America, it won't be as funny.

http://abc.go.com/shows/fresh-off-the-boat

Worth watching just for the mom. She's totally hot. :drool:
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Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Abdul Alhazred » Mon Apr 20, 2015 11:53 pm

asthmatic camel wrote:... I lent him a Stilson wrench ...
I've had Stilson cheese a few times. :Hungry2:

Image

But I used a fork not a wrench, so I suppose the experience was not quite authentic. :notsure:
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Thu May 07, 2015 1:57 am

The wife went on a short business trip one weekend and called home to check in. Brucinderella (wife's cousin who lives with us) picks up the phone.

Ok......ok......ok......here she is. (hands the phone to Brucetta)

Ok.....yes.....no.....yes.....ok.....ok, fine.....ok, yes, here he is. (hands the phone to The Boy)

Ok.....no......no........no.......NO......uh,no.......ok, fine.......ok, here she is. (hands the phone back to Brucinderella)

Ok.......anything else........oh, wait, your dear husband wants to talk to you......I don't know, here he is. (hands the phone to me)

What do you want, old man?

Nothing. I just like hanging up on you. PPPPPPTHTHTHTHTHTHHTPPPPPTTHTHTH!!! [click]

Family (sounds of jaws hitting the floor): !!!! :o :o :o :o :o :o :o !!!! SHE'S GOING TO KILL YOU!!!

Meh. She's going to kill me anyway. Might as well have a little fun first. :D
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Witness » Thu May 07, 2015 2:09 am

Well done, man! Image

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Wed Mar 16, 2016 2:42 am

Kids were looking at pictures from around the time that Mrs. Bruce and I first met.

Kids: Wow, dad. You sure used to smile a lot back then.

Me: Oh, yeah. Yep, those were good times. I had things to smile about, you see. Why, sometimes I would just....dance around like a god damned idiot. No reason either. I didn't care. I was just so happy it wasn't just me and Rosy anymore.

Kids: Rosy? Was that like, your old girlfriend?

Me: Yep. Her last name was Palm. Before your mother, it was just me and my Rosy Palm.

Kids: Do you ever see her anymore?

Me: Well......let's just say we keep in touch every so often.

Kids: Uh, dad. Mom's giving you another one of her death glares. I think she might still be jealous. :notsure:

(I wonder if they'll ever remember this conversation after they're old enough to understand what I was talking about :D )
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Abdul Alhazred » Wed Mar 16, 2016 3:03 pm

I know a gay guy named Ross E. Palm.

Any relation? :BigGrin3:
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Witness » Thu Mar 17, 2016 2:41 am

Image

See? You can have that cookie…

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Thu Mar 24, 2016 2:46 am

Mrs. Bruce: Droopy balls.

Me: Saggy bags.

Mrs. Bruce: If you were a Sith, your name would be Darth Flaccidius.

Me: You haven't shaved in so long, yours would be Darth Chewbacca.

Mrs. Bruce: You're lucky that your income is still slightly higher than your life insurance pay-out.

Me: I've decided to outlive you, but only to deny you the satisfaction of dancing on my grave.

(We're only in our early 40's. The typical conversation bound to get more colorful. :mrgreen: )
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Sun Dec 24, 2017 3:38 am

Me: The wind was so strong that day that it knocked me off balance and I fell over.

Kids: Did mom fall over too?

Me: Oh, no. She was fine because she had a larger center of gravity.

Mrs. Bruce: .........wait.....didn't you mean to say LOWER center of gravity.

Me: No, I meant to say FATTER center of gravity, but I was being polite. [takes off running]

Kids: Run dad!! Run!! She's gaining on you! WADDLE FASTER!!
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Abdul Alhazred » Sun Dec 24, 2017 11:30 am

Image Bruce ... Bubbee ... Henny Youngman you're not.
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by sparks » Sun Dec 24, 2017 9:16 pm

No. He isn't.

He's really much better IMHO.
You can lead them to knowledge, but you can't make them think.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Mon Dec 25, 2017 7:43 am

Hey, thanks for the respect!
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Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Sun May 13, 2018 1:42 am

I was sitting on the bed this morning, clipping my nails, and she says

Go do that somewhere else, old man. I want to take a nap.

Damn it, woman! You yell at the kids all day about their impatience. It's about time you practice what you preach. You can wait a few seconds to take a nap.

So I went back to clipping my nails while she stood there seething, glaring, teeth grinding.........(damn, this image is close! thanks, internet!)
Image
well of course I took my time. It takes a lot of work to look this pretty.

............there.......now....for the other hand....

Image

Marriage gets a lot more fun when you stop fucking, give up on hope, and stop caring about how much longer you're going to live. :P
Such potential!