I just told myself to fuck off.

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Bruce
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I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby Bruce » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:05 am

Got to process the data.
Got to process the data.
Got to get that data processed.
Before I start anything this morning, got to process that data.
Process it.
Process it.
Here's my office.
There's the computer, on which I will process the data.
Turning on my monitor so I can see the data, of which I will process.
I will process the data as soon as I log in.
Logging in to process the data.
Logged in.
There's the icon that will start the software for processing my data.
I'm going to double click on that icon right now to process the data.
Fuck off.
.........What?



I said fuck off. Let's click on SC and start another thread. You arrive 4 hours before everyone else. No one is paying you extra to process the fucking data at 5am. Let's fuck around.
:couchpotato:

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby DrMatt » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:31 am

SC on the left screen
Pron on the right screen
Which screen will I choose?
Wednesday, Wednesday,
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Grayman wrote:If masturbation led to homosexuality you'd think by now I'd at least have better fashion sense.

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby ed » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:46 am

Shoulda Stayed in School
by Bruce

Got to process the data.
Got to process the data.
Got to get that data processed.
Before I start anything this morning, got to process that data.
Process it.
Process it.
Here's my office.
There's the computer, on which I will process the data.
Turning on my monitor so I can see the data, of which I will process.
I will process the data as soon as I log in.
Logging in to process the data.
Logged in.
There's the icon that will start the software for processing my data.
I'm going to double click on that icon right now to process the data.
Fuck off.
- new minimalist ethos -

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Bruce
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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby Bruce » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:47 am

DrMatt wrote:SC on the left screen
Pron on the right screen
Which screen will I choose?
Wednesday, Wednesday,
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.


This is your last chance.

After this, there is no turning back.

You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed, you go to work, you put in your time, and you collect your pay check.

You take the red pill - you stay in SC and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

:Devious3:

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby gnome » Wed Jun 01, 2011 12:51 pm

Who calls it data processing anymore? Back when IT was a subset of the accounting department maybe.
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby gnome » Wed Jun 01, 2011 1:08 pm

Also... regarding those pills:

http://xkcd.com/566/
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby DrMatt » Wed Jun 01, 2011 1:46 pm

Data processing is a clerical job performed by menials. Many of them are unable to conceive of what programmers do.
People unfamiliar with the field often don't understand the difference, or don't realize that the I.T. needs of an organization often can't be met by simply buying computers. Such people are sometimes shocked to find out that CIO is often a cabinet-level position in an information-intensive organization.
Grayman wrote:If masturbation led to homosexuality you'd think by now I'd at least have better fashion sense.

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby Bruce » Wed Jun 01, 2011 3:04 pm

gnome wrote:Who calls it data processing anymore? Back when IT was a subset of the accounting department maybe.


My company stopped upgrading their technology around 2003.

In fact, they just recently upgraded us to Word 2007, and that was after a full scale lynch mob busted down the door to the IT department, who is actually one full time employee/leech and a few temps.

Yes I know there is a Word 2010. We'll form another lynch mob in 2015 to upgrade to that version.

So, what do you young and snazzy corporations call it these days? Information management? Regulated Documentation? Or have you just all out gone honest and started calling it what it is, "Bullshit designed to keep beaurocratic empty headed numbsculls employed rather than releasing them onto the streets to beg for change."

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby gnome » Wed Jun 01, 2011 3:21 pm

We now "analyze" "output" to produce "deliverables".

I love the word "deliverable"... a marvelous tautology.

Boss: Jenkins! I need you to bring me those deliverables.
Jenkins: What's a deliverable?
Boss: It's something you bring me when I tell you I need it! Now get going!
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby gnome » Wed Jun 01, 2011 3:30 pm

I think my imaginary example boss is always an amalgam of Mr. Spacely and J. Jonah Jameson.
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby Bruce » Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:50 pm

That's awesome.

My favorite new management term is "value added".

You see, the boss thinks meetings are a waste of time unless they are "value added".

No one is quite sure what "value added" means, but we think it has something to do with shortening the boring technical stuff to 2 or 3 bullet points so the boss won't look bad by nodding off.

Also, the word "political" seems to be taking on a new meaning. When a situation is getting "political", it means that one or more of the other managers is being an asshole, or "not being a team player", and thereby "inhibiting productivity", or "being a bottleneck", or otherwise making it so my boss can't get his shit done on time. Sometimes the managers do this to each other on purpose. It's like a game of musical chairs. You move around as slow as possible, then hurry up and get your shit done at the last possible moment so whomever is left standing when the music stops gets fucked.

For example, we've been ready to do a particular method transfer to another department for months. All we need is for the other department head to sign off on the protocol. We've been sending reminders, every so often he sends back the method for nit-picking bullshit. Indent is off on this paragraph. Font is too small. Grammar could be better here. This goes on for MONTHS. Finally, a week before the deadline, he signs it. Now we have to bust ass to get it done, so naturally, equipment breaks down, mistakes are made because everyone is in a hurry, etc. So the VP wants to know why we aren't done on time. Director from the other department points the finger at my boss and says our group keeps fucking everything up, and they can't even get their grammar and formatting right on their methods. And the shitty thing is, the VP eats this shit up every time, so the directors keep playing this game, knowing that the first person to complain is the last person to be suspected of foul play.

And people wonder why I don't want to buy a house in Rhode Island. I can't believe my company is in business at all. :|

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby sparks » Thu Jun 02, 2011 6:31 am

Holy shit. Value added usually refers to a tangible product to which value has been added by something your company does to it. You can't attach value added to a goddamned meeting as meetings are not the product.

And here's one for the pet peeve file: Equity Partners. OK, they're the fucking owners, OK? Fucking Equity Partners......................... they may all kiss my ass until it's a bright pink.
You can lead them to knowledge, but you can't make them think.

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby Bruce » Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:18 am

sparks wrote:Holy shit. Value added usually refers to a tangible product to which value has been added by something your company does to it. You can't attach value added to a goddamned meeting as meetings are not the product.

And here's one for the pet peeve file: Equity Partners. OK, they're the fucking owners, OK? Fucking Equity Partners......................... they may all kiss my ass until it's a bright pink.


Hey, thanks.

I've always thought that management language had roots in english.

Heres some more terms and what I think they mean:

5-Year Plan: Outsource everything, lay off everyone, sell your stocks, and get the fuck out before it's too late.

Let's keep moving forward: Let's pretend I didn't fuck everything up with my last plan and get to work on my next plan.

We want someone who can hit the ground running: We want someone who's a carbon copy of the invaluable employee that just retired so we don't have to pay to train him, and we want him for a fraction of what we were paying the his predicessor. Oh, and we don't want someone from a competing company because of legal issues, we don't want someone too old or too young, and we don't want someone who complains too much and asks too many questions. Sheesh, why is it so hard to find good help these days?

Work smarter, not harder: Get someone else to do the work for you. Take credit when they do a good job, and blame them when they do a bad job. If you can do that, you're management material.

Keep me in the loop: Let me know when things are going well so I can tell my boss. Also let me know after you've fixed whatever issue comes up so I can tell my boss. Otherwise, don't bother me with your problems.

I want a round robin review: I want to document what all your co-workers think of you so I have a more convincing excuse to deny you a raise.

360 degree feedback: You better say nice things about me to my boss or I'll make your life an utter living hell.

Let's think outside the box: I don't trust your opinion so I'm hiring a consultant.

Let's take this offline: I'm going to come into your office and chew you out after this meeting for embarassing me.

We're looking for a new target demographic: Our customers are assholes and we want new ones, preferebly stupid rich ones who don't compare prices.

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby Philip » Fri Jun 03, 2011 8:25 am

Bruce, if you don't write a book with your humor, I'm going to compile your humorous forum posts into a book myself and sell it - questions of plagiarism be damned! :)
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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby gnome » Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:54 pm

I think the whole "Value added" business is a claim that you're only going to have useful meetings. However, that kind of thinking often sounds to me like deciding to buy only winning lottery tickets.
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby Bruce » Fri Jun 03, 2011 11:06 pm

Philip wrote:Bruce, if you don't write a book with your humor, I'm going to compile your humorous forum posts into a book myself and sell it - questions of plagiarism be damned! :)


Isn't that what the "Shit my dad says" guy did? :D

I actually considered being a comedian for a long time, but my humor comes out in writing. I can't deliver humor in person for shit. I'm not quick witted enough, and my voice is rather monotone. I figured I could eat better if I became a chemist. :D

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby gnome » Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:28 am

Surely there's people out there that will pay you to write stuff to make them sound funnier than they can be on their own.
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby Bruce » Sat Jun 04, 2011 4:04 am

gnome wrote:Surely there's people out there that will pay you to write stuff to make them sound funnier than they can be on their own.


Of course, but do any of Jay Leno's writers own as many cars as he does? Do you even know the names of any of Jay Leno's writers? Do you see my point? :roll:

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby gnome » Sat Jun 04, 2011 3:51 pm

They'd probably find a way to suck all the fun in creating comedy anyway.
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2

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Re: I just told myself to fuck off.

Postby gnome » Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:55 pm

ed wrote:Shoulda Stayed in School
by Bruce


"I've been in the private sector. They expect RESULTS."
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2


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